for my entire life I have played basketball. i have always loved running around with my friends, playing and just having a fun time. for the last 2 years i have played on a college team and made some of my best friends. because i am older than most of the girls and married it has set me apart for good and for bad. sometimes i find that i don’t put up with some of the crap that other girls might be okay with and i even found myself talking to back to my coach at times. i never meant this in a malicious form but over time i tend to say things before i think and that happened repeatedly. if someone was doing something that bothered me i would go and talk to them about it. i feel like as adults that is what should happen. especially as a coach. for the last 2 years i have played for an inexperienced and egotistical coach who would not surrender to any idea or comment that i had. this coach is young and really has no idea what she is doing and because of that it hurt our team and our seasons reflected the fact that we were just plainly out coached by every other team in the league. I’m not saying that coaching completely determines the outcome of every game but i do believe that it has a huge impact on the atmosphere of the team and how end of game situations should be carried out. i can honestly say i have no relationship with my coach and its not for a lack of trying, it is because i seem to intimidate her or something. I’m not too sure what it is but something about me has made her mad since the first day she met me. fast forward to the end of my second season. i had gone from being the leading scorer to captain to sitting in front of my once respected coach for her to tell me for the first time that she had an issue with me. after two years of busting my butt for her, playing through sickness, injuries and mental exhaustion she decided to tell me that our relationship was too bad going forward and i should not return for the next season. what was i supposed to say to something like that? i already knew she was a terrible coach and an even worse person but this took it beyond anything i could have ever fathomed. all of the hours spent calming players down, supporting the team and giving her my all she decided to cut me based on something i had no idea was an issue for her. not once did she ask me how i was, not once did she care about my well being. not once did she even pretend i was an actual human being and mattered to her. a coach is supposed to be there to build you up and make you better. instead she focused on tearing me down and shattering any ounce of confidence i ever had. all it needed was a little bit of communication. to address this so called issue and tell me how i needed to change before things got out of hand. instead she chose to ignore it and then take the easiest way out, to just cut me. not only is it cowardly, it is disrespectful, shameful and ultimately just hurtful. after i had the meeting with her and she “thanked me for playing” i wanted to cry. i wanted to scream and i wanted to tell her all of the hurtful things that i felt, but i didnt. i said thanks and walked away forever. walked away from my teammates, my passion and what i felt like was my life. who am i without basketball? who am i at all? what are my hobbies? what do i like to do on a saturday night? I’m not even sure. the most hurtful part wasn’t that she cut me, it was that she didnt care enough to talk through it to keep me there. everything was my fault and I’m so horrible that i need to move on and not look back. i didnt want to waste any energy on being upset, on crying, being angry, frustrated and filled with hate. but there i was feeling all of those things. she isn’t worth a single tear. anyone who makes you feel less than what you are worth is not worth anything. i know its okay that i felt upset, hurt and angry. but focusing on that wasn’t going to change anything. she was still the terrible coach i always knew she was and i was still not playing with my team going forward. i felt embarrassed that this happened to me, a captain, someone these girls were supposed to look up to and here i was no longer a part of it. i let myself be sad for a couple days but then i realized something. i need to communicate with those around me so i don’t end up like her because that is a sad life. i realized its okay to be sad but that i have so much more to live for and look forward too. i am strong, faithful, and strong willed and that is going to take me places. i am going to do amazing things. I’m not sure what they are but I’m going to do them and no one is going to make me feel like i can’t.