theres something so therapeutic yet damaging to have so much free time. with self isolation in full effect I have found myself in my tiny 2 bedroom basement suite going on 12 days…. i have left the house to go to the car wash woooohooo and to get swabbed for covid-19. what is scarier than an unknown virus infecting the world and preparing to bring a baby into that? honestly not much. i wasn’t stressed at all until today. it seems like the virus was rapid in italy and china but nothing here and that all changed over night. now businesses are closed, school is cancelled and we are all recommended to self isolate. luckily enough for me I have also been sick for the last 12 days and going out has been the last thing on my mind. instead it has been consumed with thoughts of panic, concern and worry for this fresh little babe that is going to come into the world and have no idea what is coming for her. when you have a baby you imagine friends and family coming to visit, people loving on your baby and people pampering you with visits and compliments on the precious new life you have…. but not this time. its my first baby and I’ve dreamt of this my whole life. having my mom in the delivery room, cute pictures post part and really enjoying every minute of a new baby with my husband and any and all family wanting to be a part of the excitement. that is all changed now. ill be lucky if my husband can even be in the delivery room….. apparently some hospitals have cut support people all together…. can you imagine anything more isolating and lonely than giving birth with nurses you’ve never met before and feeling terrified and in the worst pain imaginable? nope. i can’t. its not even that I’m worried or stressed about getting corona or my baby and dying…. obviously thats terrifying but I’m telling myself the odds of that are pretty low and I should be okay. its more about the self isolation and the unknown. how long will this last? will my siblings ever meet their new niece? will i ever be able to go out to the mall with her? will i have baby play dates with my friends? how is this all going to work out? i really don’t know. it seems like everyone is blowing everything so far out of proportion but I can’t help but feel a little more and more panicked and worried everyday. new cases are popping up like weeds and not knowing the state of the world after this baby is born is terrifying. it makes me feel a little bit of self pity….. why does my baby have to be born into the world right now. if i would have known things would be like this then we would have waited to get pregnant… i guess thats how god works though. he sees the whole picture and helps direct us on our path when we are in the dark. i never in my wildest dreams could have predicted that this pandemic would happen but he knows it is the exact perfect timing for this to happen. and it may be hard and scary and even seem impossible to get through but he knows this is when our sweet little girl is meant to make her entrance. maybe to make her more resilient, maybe to teach me something, i really don’t know. but what i do know is this is scary. very scary. and having the knowledge and faith that i do is the only thing that is making this all possible. I’m just so thankful i know christ lives and is there to hear my cries and comfort my tears. this is the scariest time in my life and despite how lonely the world is i feel an overwhelming sense of peace and comfort. thats the funny thing about writing your thoughts down, i never really know what I’m thinking or how to talk to someone about it until i put it on a page. that outlet opens my mind and things i didnt even know i was feeling come out. life is hard and things are tough but this is the most perfect time because it means you get to be at home all day with the one you love. there are no distractions of duties that have to be accomplished and the most beautiful memories are going to be made. hold your loved ones close and make the best of the time we have.