i haven’t been on this blog in over a year. it was weird to read my last post and see all the fear and anxiety i had before bringing our sweet girl into this world. reading it made me remember all the feelings i had… they came flooding in and my stomach has a pit in it. my naive thoughts that this would all be over soon, that the isolation was at its worst and that things would soon improve have all been proven wrong. one year later its so much worse than I ever could have imagined. one year later we are still in quarantine, no social gatherings, masks everywhere in public spaces, no sports, no restaurants, no gyms. things opened for a little bit and i saw a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel just to have all of those hopes and dreams ripped away and back to phase one we go. I’ve said it all along, I’m not scared of getting cover, yes that would suck, but the worst part is the isolation and loneliness. we moved to a new city right as our baby was born and I want nothing more than to make friends, have mommy play dates, go to library groups and meet new friends, but i can’t do any of that. i feel so much self pity because i only want t socialize, i want to meet people, make friends and make memories but i can’t. i sound so dramatic…. i know how good my life is right now in comparison to so many others, i have a job, my husband has a job, we have somewhere to live, a healthy baby and anything we could ever need. i feel guilty even thinking how hard things are because really they aren’t but right now i just want to wallow in my pity. i want to feel bad for myself and have sympathy and i want to make friends. so one year later things are good but things are lonely. i see my friends in other countries or cities and they are back to what seems like a normal life, having parties, going to sports games, going to pools. and when i see that I get jealous, i wish that was me and it makes me long for the life i once had and took for granted. if theres anything I’ve learned in the past year it is that i need to be happy wherever i am and in whatever situation i am in. i make it sound like I’ve been so depressed for the last year but in reality I’ve been okay. yes its been hard but I’ve spent more time with my little family and baby than i ever would have and for that I’m forever grateful. i know if i can find the good in the middle of a pandemic then i can be happy in any situation i will ever encounter. we had a little birthday party for our little girl on the weekend… it was supposed to be a small get together with some of our family and friends but the day before we all woke up with sore throats and runny noses… never would i ever think anything of that normally other than a little cold but of course cover changed everything and we cancelled just to be safe. my poor girl. i know she won’t remember but seeing her friends and cousins would have been way more fun than just being with adults. either way she had the best day and was spoiled by all the people who love her near and far. what would we do without technology and amazon? both made this the best birthday for her as she got presents from family far away and got to talk to cousins who live far away too. without that it could have been a different day so for that i am very very grateful. so despite the bad this year there has been a lot of good and when yo look for it you will find it.