Author: nottheaveragelover

i haven’t been on this blog in over a year. it was weird to read my last post and see all the fear and anxiety i had before bringing our sweet girl into this world. reading it made me remember all the feelings i had… they came flooding in and my stomach has a pit in it. my naive thoughts that this would all be over soon, that the isolation was at its worst and that things would soon improve have all been proven wrong. one year later its so much worse than I ever could have imagined. one year later we are still in quarantine, no social gatherings, masks everywhere in public spaces, no sports, no restaurants, no gyms. things opened for a little bit and i saw a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel just to have all of those hopes and dreams ripped away and back to phase one we go. I’ve said it all along, I’m not scared of getting cover, yes that would suck, but the worst part is the isolation and loneliness. we moved to a new city right as our baby was born and I want nothing more than to make friends, have mommy play dates, go to library groups and meet new friends, but i can’t do any of that. i feel so much self pity because i only want t socialize, i want to meet people, make friends and make memories but i can’t. i sound so dramatic…. i know how good my life is right now in comparison to so many others, i have a job, my husband has a job, we have somewhere to live, a healthy baby and anything we could ever need. i feel guilty even thinking how hard things are because really they aren’t but right now i just want to wallow in my pity. i want to feel bad for myself and have sympathy and i want to make friends. so one year later things are good but things are lonely. i see my friends in other countries or cities and they are back to what seems like a normal life, having parties, going to sports games, going to pools. and when i see that I get jealous, i wish that was me and it makes me long for the life i once had and took for granted. if theres anything I’ve learned in the past year it is that i need to be happy wherever i am and in whatever situation i am in. i make it sound like I’ve been so depressed for the last year but in reality I’ve been okay. yes its been hard but I’ve spent more time with my little family and baby than i ever would have and for that I’m forever grateful. i know if i can find the good in the middle of a pandemic then i can be happy in any situation i will ever encounter. we had a little birthday party for our little girl on the weekend… it was supposed to be a small get together with some of our family and friends but the day before we all woke up with sore throats and runny noses… never would i ever think anything of that normally other than a little cold but of course cover changed everything and we cancelled just to be safe. my poor girl. i know she won’t remember but seeing her friends and cousins would have been way more fun than just being with adults. either way she had the best day and was spoiled by all the people who love her near and far. what would we do without technology and amazon? both made this the best birthday for her as she got presents from family far away and got to talk to cousins who live far away too. without that it could have been a different day so for that i am very very grateful. so despite the bad this year there has been a lot of good and when yo look for it you will find it.

theres something so therapeutic yet damaging to have so much free time. with self isolation in full effect I have found myself in my tiny 2 bedroom basement suite going on 12 days…. i have left the house to go to the car wash woooohooo and to get swabbed for covid-19. what is scarier than an unknown virus infecting the world and preparing to bring a baby into that? honestly not much. i wasn’t stressed at all until today. it seems like the virus was rapid in italy and china but nothing here and that all changed over night. now businesses are closed, school is cancelled and we are all recommended to self isolate. luckily enough for me I have also been sick for the last 12 days and going out has been the last thing on my mind. instead it has been consumed with thoughts of panic, concern and worry for this fresh little babe that is going to come into the world and have no idea what is coming for her. when you have a baby you imagine friends and family coming to visit, people loving on your baby and people pampering you with visits and compliments on the precious new life you have…. but not this time. its my first baby and I’ve dreamt of this my whole life. having my mom in the delivery room, cute pictures post part and really enjoying every minute of a new baby with my husband and any and all family wanting to be a part of the excitement. that is all changed now. ill be lucky if my husband can even be in the delivery room….. apparently some hospitals have cut support people all together…. can you imagine anything more isolating and lonely than giving birth with nurses you’ve never met before and feeling terrified and in the worst pain imaginable? nope. i can’t. its not even that I’m worried or stressed about getting corona or my baby and dying…. obviously thats terrifying but I’m telling myself the odds of that are pretty low and I should be okay. its more about the self isolation and the unknown. how long will this last? will my siblings ever meet their new niece? will i ever be able to go out to the mall with her? will i have baby play dates with my friends? how is this all going to work out? i really don’t know. it seems like everyone is blowing everything so far out of proportion but I can’t help but feel a little more and more panicked and worried everyday. new cases are popping up like weeds and not knowing the state of the world after this baby is born is terrifying. it makes me feel a little bit of self pity….. why does my baby have to be born into the world right now. if i would have known things would be like this then we would have waited to get pregnant… i guess thats how god works though. he sees the whole picture and helps direct us on our path when we are in the dark. i never in my wildest dreams could have predicted that this pandemic would happen but he knows it is the exact perfect timing for this to happen. and it may be hard and scary and even seem impossible to get through but he knows this is when our sweet little girl is meant to make her entrance. maybe to make her more resilient, maybe to teach me something, i really don’t know. but what i do know is this is scary. very scary. and having the knowledge and faith that i do is the only thing that is making this all possible. I’m just so thankful i know christ lives and is there to hear my cries and comfort my tears. this is the scariest time in my life and despite how lonely the world is i feel an overwhelming sense of peace and comfort. thats the funny thing about writing your thoughts down, i never really know what I’m thinking or how to talk to someone about it until i put it on a page. that outlet opens my mind and things i didnt even know i was feeling come out. life is hard and things are tough but this is the most perfect time because it means you get to be at home all day with the one you love. there are no distractions of duties that have to be accomplished and the most beautiful memories are going to be made. hold your loved ones close and make the best of the time we have.

the corona virus is the craziest beginning to 2020 and the world is in a full on panic preparing for it. everything is cancelled…. march madness, NBA, NHL, high school finals, nationals, school, church…. you name it and its not happening. its kind of eerie to think about…. especially as we are getting ready to have a baby its especially scary to think about bringing a new life right into the craziness of the world. its so hard to tell if the world is over reacting to what is happening but the scariest thing is they cancelled meetings at our church. I find peace knowing that it is the end days and we have been warned about this but its still frightening seeing it all come into play. the leader of our church warned that our next general meeting would be “one to remember” and to “take your vitamins and get some rest.” inspiration is real, the last days are happening and I cannot wait to see what else will come to be but also terrified. I’m just thankful for the direction of leaders who have taught us to prepare for this, how to spiritually build ourselves up at home and to support and minister to those around us. it is a wonderfully terrifying time to be alive and I am so happy to be here.

why do i get so overwhelmed? what makes me so stressed? it seems like no matter how good my life is, I can always find a reason to be anxious and worried about what is going to happen. i know everything always works out and will be okay but in the moment i can’t convey to my heart what my mind knows is the truth. things stressing me out currently:

1. we are about to have a baby…. I’m 8 months pregnant and could literally have a baby at any minute
2. we are about to move… that means packing our house, decluttering, selling and prepping to live in my moms basement for an unknown period of time
3. im sick. so sick and tired. i can’t sleep, get comfortable or do anything that makes me feel relaxed and I can just feel the tension building in my shoulders
4. the future. what will happen? where will we be? will my husband get into law school? i know as long as we are together and we have a healthy baby that everything will be happy and fine but it is scary to not have any idea what our source of income will be and we will just be relying on others around us to make sure we are okay and taken care of. scary stuff.

when i write it all out it seems so ungrateful to even worry about all of this. we are having a baby, have somewhere to live, have money, family, friends and health. but its scary to not have control of things in our future. i know how hard my hubby is working for our future and i want him to have all of his dreams come true so it stresses me out thinking he may not be able to. stressful.

every new years I make these great long lists of improvements I want to make, things I want to change and ways I want to be better. As I’ve looked back on this year it has been one of my best… if not the best. I graduated, got a job, got pregnant, made new friends, got a new calling a church, learned, grown and become better everyday. but I’ve also been grumpy, lazy, gained weight, lost friends, fought, been jealous and so many other terrible things that I don’t want to remember from this year. as we start a new year and a new decade I want to focus on the good and forget the bad. remember the good in myself and focus on making that better. but how do i do that? if i haven’t been doing it for the past year or even years before that then what is going to make this year any different? how do i get to a place where I am the person I want to be. since I graduated and passed my final exam I feel like i am in a rut. like something is missing and the meaning and purpose that I had while in school and on a team has found me feeling empty and questioning who i am if I’m not a basketball playing student athlete. my identity has been shaken and because of that I felt empty and lonely wondering what the point really is. my faith was a little shaken and my happiness was lacking. its crazy how much the things we do are how we identify….. how did i let playing a sport affect who i was so greatly? why is moving on, growing up and experiencing new aspects of life so hard and scary? we become creatures of habit and when things are the same and easy it makes it easy to identify like that. the challenge is finding out who you are without the things you do determining that but rather the type of person you are.

so this year I want to be better and feel better but instead of making long lists of how I am going to be better i am going to do it little by little and day by day. Im going to focus on the good that I already am and build on that.

1. love more passionately
2. give freely to anyone who needs it
3. be the most friendly in the room. everytime you see someone you know they should leave feeling special.

life is hard and messy and busy and crazy and i want my daughter to see the good in me and want to be better because of that. I’m getting ready to shape a child to be a strong, independent, loving and kind woman who is going to make the world a better place. If i want all of that for her then I have to do everything I can to make the world even just a little bit better and make myself a little nicer, kinder and more loving everyday. so instead of it being a new year and a new me, it is a new year and an improved me, someone who is going to be better and get better little by little and in one year when I look back I want to be able to say I made a difference in the world and that I became a little bit better everyday.

never did i ever think i would get to this place. after years of disappointment, frustration and many many tears, i finally graduated. since i graduated 5 years ago my life has been the complete opposite of what i had planned. i was going to go to university, become a nurse, play basketball, go on to become a PA, all while volunteering and somewhere along the way get married and have babies. little did i know my life would be very different than this perfect plan that i had made up in my mind. when i graduated i was accepted into the nursing program conditionally and thanks to my stellar(not) work ethic in high school the acceptance was revoked when my english 30 mark was less than ideal. due to that i had to adjust my plan a little bit and ended up taking general kinesiology classes in hopes to become a PT. i would later realize this was definitely not for me. i was still able to live my dream of playing basketball and made some of the best friends. theres something about being on a team that brings you closer than anything else in the world can. my first semester was hard. i got really sick and struggled with migraines and what i felt like was depression for the first time in my life. i realized that as much as i loved basketball there was something else i was supposed to be doing. i didnt know it at the time but i would later find out there was a greater plan god had in store for me. i was sitting in an institute class one day when the words “if you love me, feed my sheep” hit me harder than ever before. that was the moment i knew i was supposed to go on a mission. it was hard to give up something i loved so much and turn down this perfect plan that i had created for my life to go and do something with so many unknowns. something i was completely terrified to do. despite so many things telling me not to go, i held on to the confirmation and feelings that i knew to be from god. i trusted that he knew best and that turned out to be the most important decision I’ve ever made. so i started preparing to leave and got my call. Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh is what the call read. Pennsylvania??????? who in the world wants to go to pennsylvania?! the only things i knew about this random state were that sidney crosby played there and there were lots of amish people. i would soon learn to love this place more than my own city and never want to leave. as i was getting ready to leave i was again tested as i received news that i was accepted into the nursing program at my school for the next fall. for a split second i thought about what it would be like to live out this perfect dream i had but i knew if that was what i was supposed to do god would make it happen for me when i got home. so i went. i served. i cried. i laughed. and i learned. learned about myself, good, others and so much more. this prepared me to become a better wife, mom, friend and overall person. when i got home i wasn’t sure what to do. my perfect plan was gone and i was in limbo because i didnt know what to do. then out of nowhere this blue-eyed, dimpled handsome boy came into my life and swept me off my feet. suddenly all of these huge dreams for school and life revolved around him. i knew i was in trouble (the good kind) because he was all i thought about and wanted in life. i didnt get into the original program i had wished for but instead i got into a shorter program that turned out to be much better for what would soon become our little family. i suddenly found myself again playing basketball and living my dream of playing basketball and being in nursing school. this was the worst 2 years and the best 2 years of my life. that boy that stole my heart ended up asking me to marry him and in the midst of all of the chaos of life we planned a wedding and tied the knot. turns out i couldn’t have graduated if it wasn’t for his support, love and acceptance of me and my goals and dreams. 2 years of only seeing each other on the weekends, studying all night, crying daily, being exhausted constantly and of course falling more and more in love. school was hard. it was tiring and trying and pushed me to do things i didnt know i was capable of. it showed me my strengths and my weaknesses and showed me i can do hard things. i can accomplish anything i put my mind to because i have the biggest supporter in my side and i chose a plan god laid out perfectly for our future family. i wouldn’t trade any of it ever. now I’m terrified. have to find a job, start a family, make adult decisions, give up basketball and find new, better goals to reach. i am so unbelievably happy with the path that i took to get here and i am also so unbelievably glad i have my best friend and family to enjoy it all with. i guess the point it that i am excited to be done but i am even more stunned that through all of my questioning, pain and tears, god was there and knew this was exactly what i needed. my life plan could not have been more perfect than the one that has been laid out for me. i love this life. I’m a grad. I’m a nurse. I’m a wife. and I’m happy.

for my entire life I have played basketball. i have always loved running around with my friends, playing and just having a fun time. for the last 2 years i have played on a college team and made some of my best friends. because i am older than most of the girls and married it has set me apart for good and for bad. sometimes i find that i don’t put up with some of the crap that other girls might be okay with and i even found myself talking to back to my coach at times. i never meant this in a malicious form but over time i tend to say things before i think and that happened repeatedly. if someone was doing something that bothered me i would go and talk to them about it. i feel like as adults that is what should happen. especially as a coach. for the last 2 years i have played for an inexperienced and egotistical coach who would not surrender to any idea or comment that i had. this coach is young and really has no idea what she is doing and because of that it hurt our team and our seasons reflected the fact that we were just plainly out coached by every other team in the league. I’m not saying that coaching completely determines the outcome of every game but i do believe that it has a huge impact on the atmosphere of the team and how end of game situations should be carried out. i can honestly say i have no relationship with my coach and its not for a lack of trying, it is because i seem to intimidate her or something. I’m not too sure what it is but something about me has made her mad since the first day she met me. fast forward to the end of my second season. i had gone from being the leading scorer to captain to sitting in front of my once respected coach for her to tell me for the first time that she had an issue with me. after two years of busting my butt for her, playing through sickness, injuries and mental exhaustion she decided to tell me that our relationship was too bad going forward and i should not return for the next season. what was i supposed to say to something like that? i already knew she was a terrible coach and an even worse person but this took it beyond anything i could have ever fathomed. all of the hours spent calming players down, supporting the team and giving her my all she decided to cut me based on something i had no idea was an issue for her. not once did she ask me how i was, not once did she care about my well being. not once did she even pretend i was an actual human being and mattered to her. a coach is supposed to be there to build you up and make you better. instead she focused on tearing me down and shattering any ounce of confidence i ever had. all it needed was a little bit of communication. to address this so called issue and tell me how i needed to change before things got out of hand. instead she chose to ignore it and then take the easiest way out, to just cut me. not only is it cowardly, it is disrespectful, shameful and ultimately just hurtful. after i had the meeting with her and she “thanked me for playing” i wanted to cry. i wanted to scream and i wanted to tell her all of the hurtful things that i felt, but i didnt. i said thanks and walked away forever. walked away from my teammates, my passion and what i felt like was my life. who am i without basketball? who am i at all? what are my hobbies? what do i like to do on a saturday night? I’m not even sure. the most hurtful part wasn’t that she cut me, it was that she didnt care enough to talk through it to keep me there. everything was my fault and I’m so horrible that i need to move on and not look back. i didnt want to waste any energy on being upset, on crying, being angry, frustrated and filled with hate. but there i was feeling all of those things. she isn’t worth a single tear. anyone who makes you feel less than what you are worth is not worth anything. i know its okay that i felt upset, hurt and angry. but focusing on that wasn’t going to change anything. she was still the terrible coach i always knew she was and i was still not playing with my team going forward. i felt embarrassed that this happened to me, a captain, someone these girls were supposed to look up to and here i was no longer a part of it. i let myself be sad for a couple days but then i realized something. i need to communicate with those around me so i don’t end up like her because that is a sad life. i realized its okay to be sad but that i have so much more to live for and look forward too. i am strong, faithful, and strong willed and that is going to take me places. i am going to do amazing things. I’m not sure what they are but I’m going to do them and no one is going to make me feel like i can’t.

the biggest desire in life is to be wanted. wanted by friends, family, aquaintences…. really anyone who is there and willing to show us attention and love. i am lucky enough to have found the love of my life, a boy who shows me all the love, attention and care that anyone could ever dream of. watching sappy romance movies is like watching a movie of my life because we are madly in love and all the cute cheesy things they say and do that you only see in the movies…. that happens in my life, everyday. and i couldnt be any luckier. we have that stomach churning, mind boggling, butterfly giving love. the kind you can only dream of. somehow i found this love and im really not sure how. i was never someone who dated a lot, i had a couple casual boyfriends and went on a few dates in college but nothing worth falling for. i always saw my friends with boyfriends and in love and wondered why i never got that. i blamed it on my looks, weight and anything i could think of that gave me any sort of belief as to why i never felt like i got the same attention. flash forward years later. i finally found myself and who i wanted to be and then this cute boy with the bluest eyes and the sweetest dimple came into my life. its about timing. its about knowing who you are and being comfortable with that so you have the ability to be loved fully. if i cant love myself then how can i expect to love anyone else or expect them to love me? i learned i dont need to compare myself to others to feel loved. i dont need to be better than my friends or be like someone else. i just have to be me and be the best me possible. now that i have someone who loves me more than i can ever love myself or even imagine being loved i find myself questioning how someone can love me like that. why is it that i finally got what i dreamt of for so long and now i question how it can be real? it takes tears and fights and long talks to understand that i am worthy of being loved like that. we are all worthy of that love. i go through ups and downs of loving myself but having someone there to love me more than is imaginable is the best blessing in the whole world. love is scary. life is hard. but go out and love hard. be loved and dont be scared to feel it.

i have been thinking about blogging for years. i love the feeling of just sitting down at my computer, talking to myself in my head(im not crazy, i swear) and just letting my thoughts go wherever they want. the beauty of a hidden blod/journal is just knowing that i can do this fo myself. i find myself consumed with my thoughta dn worry because i never feel like i have someone to talk to about it. this is the only way i could think of to let all the chaos and mahem come out of my mine. this way i can get it out and hopefully feel some relief because of it. its not easy to be vulnerable and open with emotions. i get closed off when things become about me and i have a bad habit of putting a guard up and getting upset when things get hard to talk about. how do you change that? how do you become opena nd honest and able to trust others with everything? thats the goal in life i think. be able to love completely, trust with everything and find happiness beyond words. thats the goal and thats what im shooting for.

i needed a place to let it out. the messy, the sad and the happy. wish me luck.

if you can be anything is this world, be kind.